In “Difficult Conversations”, the authors suggest shifting to a learning conversation where rather than delivering a message you invite the other person into the conversation with you. Most of the book helps you understand if you are in one of three conversations:
The “What Happened” conversation – The challenge is that the situation is more complex that either person can see. The “Feelings” conversation – The challenge is that the situation is emotionally charged, and the goal is to avoid talking about feelings. The “Identity” conversation – The challenge is that the situation threatens our identity.
The authors do a very good job of describing how to understand which conversation that you are in and how to move it forward in a positive direction. The differences in these books by individuals affiliated with the same Harvard Negotiation Project suggest the complexity that exists when having difficult conversations and therefore the importance of preparation.
What I have created in my conversations with individuals over the years about how to have a difficult conversation is the following three step model.
1-Spend time really understanding how well you know the person? I have worked with many smart people who used the same strategy for every difficult conversation and that is absolutely the wrong way to approach this. It is more effective to personalize the strategy and approach to each conversation. When I have pressed these individuals about why they did not give more thought to the relationship with the person with whom they were going to have to have a difficult conversation their answer often was, “I do not have time to give the amount of thought you are suggesting to all the tough conversations I need to have.”
When I heard that comment I would slow down the conversation and provide specific examples of individuals who had made major mistakes that negatively impacted key relationships because they had not taken the time to interact appropriately. In a few instances where the person I was coaching was still not showing a willingness to prepare for a key conversation I acted with them the way they were acting with others and they got an example of what it felt like to be talked to in a way that was inappropriate.
Finally, if they still did not want to spend the time they think it would take to personalize their approach to the multiple difficult conversations they have, I suggested that they spend a few moments at the beginning of each week looking at their schedule for the week and identify the really difficult conversations they were going to have and prepare for the most difficult ones coming up. I would often also mention the Stephen Covey time management model I wrote about in the sixth article in this series, suggesting they spend more time on the important and not urgent quadrant of his model, since preparing in the way I was suggesting fits into that quadrant.
2-Spend time thinking through how important the person they are having difficulty with is to you reaching your goal of having a positive impact? Many individuals have not slowed down to look at their network to see if somebody else might not only be a better person to help with your question but might also be easier to get the information and support from than the initial person they had thought of approaching. Taking time to do that also falls into quadrant 2 of Covey’s powerful time management model.
3-What is the preference of the person with who you want to have a conversation for receiving information? Everybody has a preferred way to receive and process information. I learned this the hard way early in my career. I was working for a successful consulting firm and had an idea that I “knew” would help us attract even more clients. I went to the owner’s office, saw the door was opened, walked in, saw the owner was sitting at his desk and I went up and stood in front of him and told him my idea. He listened respectfully, and when I was done with my pitch to him he stood up, walked over and stood next to me, looked me in the eye and said, “Peter, my very strong preference is that you never approach me again as you did just now. If you have an idea that you want to present to me I insist (said in a very stern and forceful manner) that you think it through fully, then write it down as a proposal with the idea and anticipated benefit and send it to me and I promise I will respond when I have time.”
From that meeting on I have spent time considering how my way of presenting information might match with the person who was the receiver of that information and that learning has served me well.
The Amazon #1 International Bestseller, “Have a Positive Impact During Uncertain Times” – https://www.amazon.com/dp/1732793808 – and this website provide links to hundreds of additional resources designed to help individuals identify jobs of interest and ways to be successful and have a positive impact in all you do personally and professionally. I look forward to continuing this series about positive impact strategies in 2020.